I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
You Might Also Like
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
But that’s none of my business
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.