I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
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Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect