Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
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Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
This kinda thing happens to me often