Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
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Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Happy Caturday!
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Oops I deleted….
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.