my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
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Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.