ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
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As the Lord intended
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’