here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
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Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.