I’m sure it’s fine.
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Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.