Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
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IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
#ParentingFacts
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.