I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
All is fair in drunk and war.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
s
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A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to