Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
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Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Cats (2019)
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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