I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
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Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.