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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.