Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
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God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
s
oc
i
a
l
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
They did not miss in the small print
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I feel seen.