Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Coffee is ready.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours