Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
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[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Important
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia