My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
You Might Also Like
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
the answer was staring at me all along
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.