nobody:
90’s boybands:
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My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
This guy’s not having it 😆
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.