7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.