I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
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I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep