Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
You Might Also Like
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn