Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
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gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Looking at you, Jesus.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then