wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
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Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]