No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
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I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.