[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
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Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!