Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
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You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.