Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
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Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.