I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
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Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.