[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
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I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”