Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
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If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
it must be school picture day
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.