Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
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Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Now, where’s the sport in that?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.