The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
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the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Good morning.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
my mom making me talk to relatives
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure