*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Hmm, not sure about this change
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
thanks auntie mary
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.