Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Someone just threatened to call me later
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’