When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Still cracks me up
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.