Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
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Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?