If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
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Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
the icebreaker
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.