Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
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I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…