There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
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conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Just a friendly reminder!
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho