In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
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i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]