If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
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I think I’ll stand
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Welcome
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
#CatsOnTwitter
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
#Thanos #MondayMood
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!