Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My kitchen overserved me.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.