Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
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My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?