There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
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I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
(True)
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
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