My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.