grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
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you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
My life in a nutshell
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it