Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.