Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
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Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I think this should do it.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice