I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Trying
Happy Thanksgiving
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?