The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
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Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Cake!!
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
sugar glider wrangler
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.